Less of a Heart
by celestialthing
Summary: Two seniors desperately in love, loving every second seeing each other. At least, that's how Alfred's twisted mind takes in the situation, believing in love at first sight, anything for the person he needs. [Warning: Contains violent themes and mentions of depression. Cover doesn't belong to me.]
1. One and Only

_I feel nothing. That's not a problem, as I learn. I fake. I control. All my life, I've been faking this happiness I've grown a mutual affection to. I like it, almost. However, no matter how hard I try, I know I'm not feeling true happiness._

 _Then... he came into my life. Though I try to make myself noticable to him, he's just calm. Without emotion even, but not in the same way I don't feel alive. Tucking himself away under the guise of being an excessive bookworm. I see through him. I want his true self, all for me._

 _Quiet, he is, almost like my brother. I love it. He fills up my life after a seemingly joyful childhood._

 _Another person, coming back into my life unannounced. A bro, you could say. Arthur is different. He doesn't approve of me at all, always angry. I take after him almost. Why does he need to be friends with him? Is Francis not enough for you? He doesn't care about Kiku the way I do. He doesn't need Kiku the way I do. He doesn't have the willpower to devote himself to him fully. But I do. Days of hoping that friends would be in the past, and a new era would blossom with love._

 _The emotion of love is my full dedication, dear. Nothing more, nothing less._

* * *

 **Less of a Heart: One and Only**

"Matthew, little bro, pass the syrup," I said, smiling more than usual. Matthew sighed and slid the canister down the table. He began to eat his syrup-flooded pancakes. An average morning was in place, the two brothers shared a breakfast together before their first day as seniors.

I chuckled slyly, "I still remember the last dance we had, when Elizaveta dunked Roderich's and Gilbert's faces into the punch bowl to get them to stop bickering." Matthew laughed in response, cheering him up.

"And when Mathias kept trying to outdo you in breakdancing, and almost sprained his foot?" Matthew stopped laughing, noticing his pancakes were getting soggy. I still had the pictures. It's nice for me to practice a suitable laugh once a while.

"Hurry up. We're almost late..," Matthew softly said, trying to lift his booksack.

I was attempting to see why Matthew was struggling by seeing through his mesh booksack. "New textbooks?"

Matthew admitted nervously, "I'm taking French, and Francis gave me an extra textbook to help me. He loves how I'm taking "his" language." I muttered. It's always the people who actually notice him.

"I'll carry it then," I offered, waiting. Matthew declined, preparing to try again. Makes it all the more surprising when you see him in the ice rink. I'm still kind of mad about football tryouts, they said I was "too aggressive." Didn't aggression help you win? I just needed something to distract me from talking with people. They just don't get it. I slammed the door behind me.

* * *

I try not to make any movement in homeroom, trying to desperately find a seat. I couldn't sit by Gilbert, he was already in a well established trio. Arthur made no sign of ever wanting to talk to people. Yao was... there. I'm not sure why I'm suspicious, but my gut feeling says something's up with him. Everyone was in a group against me. Matthew waved, but did I really want to sit by him? I want the best for him. I want for him not to be distracted by my mess-ups.

My instincts tell me to go to the back. It's logical, the people who don't want to be here sit here, so the teacher doesn't care what we do. There was only one seat available. Next to a black haired person reading a comic book. Guess I could get along with him. I sit down.

The comic book doesn't have superheros on it, which disappoints me a little. Secondly, it's backwards, which is new. The person sitting there just flipped the pages, one by one. Not speaking to me.

"What's... your name?" I ask him after he flips a page. He puts up his pointer finger, shushing me. He reads a few more pages, sets a bookmark in, and puts it down.

"It's Kiku Honda," he greeted, holding out his hand. I shook it, instantly noticing the softness. I want to hold it more, but he puts in back. Not a fan of hand to hand contact. I need to know more about him, but my heart's racing too fast for me to say anything. I look down at the ground. I think I can make this work.

"Rise for the pledge, students." And so, my classes began.

* * *

The class before lunch break, gym, I decided to draw a bit over my daily planner, while the gym teacher talks about gym bag procedures. It may not be perfection, but I enjoy it.

Before the teacher sends us out to jog, I draw a heart around Kiku's name on the roster of people signing up for after-school help this week. I add my own name. Seeing him makes it worth an extra hour of school. I feel a form of happiness that is my own. I have a feeling of peace. I get a quick idea, it's not that well formed out, but I start. I hear what sounds like a little gasp of surprise from him as we file out. I skip to the back of the line and get a piece of paper out and write a note. Not a love letter, as I feel that would ruin my chances, sadly.

"Dear Kiku," I write in loopy cursive. I don't want to sound too formal, but I'm afraid what Kiku might think, "I wanted to invite you to sit at my table at lunch, as an offering of friendship. I hope you will accept my offer. Sincerely, Alfred." Would this fail? Probably, I think as I slip the note into Kiku's lockers, finally discovering the use of the little slits in the metal. I went into the gym to recieve a lecture about being late.

* * *

When lunch started, it seemed like my heart soared. I walk into the cafeteria to skim the tables for our table. We were the loud ones, I guess. I didn't find Kiku. He was sitting at one of the back tables, still reading. Did I get denied? Did he not like my table, or me?

"Hey, Kiku..." I started talking. He looks at me, confused.

Kiku sighed, and closed his book, "Who are you?"

"I'm Alfred, from homeroom. We sit next to each other. Can I sit here?" I pulled out a chair and gave him a warm smile. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the trio running across the room to me. I figured it was because I didn't sit at their table.

Gilbert almost yelled as he tried to keep his voice low, "Long summer, huh? I totally got all of the babes!" Francis rolled his eyes a little and laughed.

"I, myself, had a passionate and tragic once in a lifetime romance revisited, but sadly, it could not work," Francis covered his face.

"Code for he failed–" Gilbert reached out to high five Antonio, who shushed him. They kept bragging on and on.

Kiku slammed his book close and said calmly, "Please leave this table, Alfred. I'm sorry, but your friends are disturbing me..." I feel a surge of hatred towards them, who don't even acknowledge my anger. Is this what everyone puts up with when I hang out with them?

"Go away, guys. I'm trying to talk with Kiku," I raise my voice, restraining from grinding my teeth.

Francis chuckled, "I got the message." Antonio looked at him and smiled. Inside jokes... Gladly, not all of the cafeteria heard that, as the trio isn't known for secrecy.

"Are they serious about that? I don't see myself... like that," Kiku shifted his eyes, and held his hands up in defense. Of all the people, this was the one person to get the joke.

Alfred stuttered anxiously, "No, not at all. You know jokes, right? That was one of them. I definitely don't see myself marrying you at all." Adopting a few kids, living in a house with a white picket fence, living together happily forever without anybody getting in the way.

"Okay then?" Kiku started to begin to finish the book, probably thinking I'm weird.

That went terribly. I think I have a problem that needs to stop. And that's a fact.


	2. Backwards Feeling

_I must be daydreaming. "Die," My alternated self holds out a knife, handing it to me._

 _"But I don't want to... right now," I internally plead for the instincts of pain to go away._

 _The person chuckled, "Silly, not you. Them. You remember? How they stopped you from having him, that was their plan, wasn't it? Let them all die."_

 _"They wouldn't... I don't know, actually. I've grown apart from the trio after a while. Would they really?" He nodded._

 _"Alfred, dear, isn't this enticing?" He plunged the knife into a messed up version of the trio. I had to nod, his force was compelling me to. "Try it. You might find it enjoyable." I nodded, waiting for the impact. The fall ahead._

* * *

"Alfred, I said, how was your day? I forgot to ask after school," Matthew put down a plate of bacon and eggs.

I wasn't the type of person to feel sadness, but that's what happened. "Terrible." Kiku probably hated me. Maybe he always had. I banged my head on the table.

"What happened?" Matthew said, his voice having sympathy. Great, just what could Matthew say if I said my friends were the problem? Matthew put a hand on his head, trying to comfort him. I guess Matthew always has these days, but not like mine.

"Can I not say?"

"I'm in your homeroom, Alfred. I sit at your table. Do you think I don't care, or I shouldn't know?" I couldn't see it, but I seemed to hear the anger in his eyes. Mistrust was a problem for everyone, I suppose.

I sighed, I guess Matthew can know some of it, "It's this person, Kiku..." Matthew stopped drinking his milk.

"You're serious? Sorry, no offense, but you're friends with Kiku?" He asked in wonder, and explained, "He's been alone for years on end. Reading the same books, day after day. Never speaking a word. I have never heard him converse with another student." Was he exaggerating? I couldn't know... "But Alfred, it's nice to see you hang out with someone new. Plus Francis makes the house smell like wine."

The first time that Matthew has ever made a comment about my friends. I knew he had it in him. "Also, are you doing the after school help? I'm tired of helping with your Spanish."

"Eh, whenever I feel like it. I guess," I lied. I'll go there all the time, now that I know who'll be there.

"Have a good morning, Alfred. I'm heading to school early," Matthew went out the door.

* * *

The teacher drones on, quickly becoming the background noise for conversations darting across the classroom. The first thing I noticed was that Kiku wasn't here. That was saddening to me. Francis turned around his chair.

"How's it going, Alfred, old buddy?" He said, smiling like a schoolgirl. I knew this look by heart. The 'I want to know what's really going on' look.

I laughed, "Nothing, really. I'm focusing on my work." Gilbert snorted, not believing the lie.

"I'm sure you didn't understand. Why didn't you sit with us?" Francis got down to what seemed like the point. I could answer any other question, but he had to ask this. Francis has been an expert at getting what he wants, an early observation. The best trick is to keep him informed without the full of it, so he's satisfied.

I replied smoothly, "I wanted to know some more people. Might as well."

"Oh, that's it? We could've let you meet a few people. We're practically masters." Antonio waved while Gilbert was holding in his laughter with some failure.

"Will you three bloody blokes keep it down? I'm actually trying to graduate, unlike some of you people," Arthur whispered, turning his chair to the side.

Francis chuckled smugly, "Then why are you joining in? Couldn't resist us?"

"To specifically tell you to shut your frog face," Arthur kept from yelling. I never quite understood the point of calling him a frog. Francis was transferred to this country from France before school even started. You could still hear a slight French accent in his voice. It might be the French thing...

Francis rebuttled, "I see you almost burned down the house again, with your terrible–"

"Don't, you idiot. Is that all you have on me, terrible cooking and eyebrows? What about all those times you shamelessly flirted with everyone in the school? Were you trying to set up a world record or something?" Gilbert slowly nodded. Francis was growing desperate to shut him up. "And the long hair. Don't get me started. What are you, Rapunzel after a hair cut?"

"Shut it, Arthur," I muttered loud enough for him to hear.

He turned towards me, "And what makes you think that I'll listen to you?" Regardless, he took out a pencil and frantically jotted down the notes. Just how I remembered him.

"All right Francis the fancy, since you won't get to the point in, like a million years, I'll ask him. Alfred, bro, best bud, peas in a pod, do me the favor of telling me whether or not you wanted to hang out with us?

I was generally confused, until Antonio took the lead, "He wants to know why you're ignoring us."

"I'm not, it's just that me and Kiku are... friends. He thinks you're too loud," I said. The award for most obvious note taking of my actions goes to Francis, for making notes of how I spoke and what I did. The teacher was giving the back row dirty looks every time we made a movement, but didn't say anything about it.

"Listen Francis, we can hang out after school. In the gym? They don't lock the doors, and I'll tell you what's going on," I smiled. The idea was growing beautifully. I felt proud, one step closer to Kiku. One step.

* * *

It was enticing. The thought of my idea. I leaned against the wall of the gym, hands in my pockets. The evening was growing colder, so I slipped on my gloves that Matthew bought for me. Francis opened the door, not slamming it behind him.

"Well, old friend, spill. I want to know everything," Francis smugly smiled.

"About what?" I asked, playing the role of innocence and ignorance.

Francis made an expression that made it seem like he already knew, "Just tell me something I don't know about you, preferably about your friend."

"Stop it," I clung to the wall for support as Francis grew closer, smiling more and more.

"Why you're pushing us away. Is there something we need to know, Al?"

I commanded again, "I said stop." The voice told me to get closer. It was cheering me on.

Francis sighed, "Please, just tell me. You're–" It was too late, the voice won. I repeatedly slammed him against the wall, face to stone, knocking him out. I took out the rope and hung it above the doorway. I carefully tied a knot around his neck, and ran. I saw Francis's motionless body slowly suffocate, not feeling any pain. The voice was bored, not entertained. It was still proud of me.

* * *

I woke up, fearing the consequences. Francis was dead, it was me. It was me, those words entered and exited my head all day.

"Where's Francis today, Gilbert?" Antonio whispered. I could feel the fear in the classroom. They were already braced for what they would see. As far as I know, no teachers enter the gym until we do.

Gilbert, for once in his life, was nervous, "I-I don't know. He wasn't going home with me. His parents don't know where he is." He shivered in his seat. I didn't feel bad, the voice told me not to. Don't be your old self, that's how you fail, the voice said. It cheered on violence. For the first time, I feel like I'm in control.

* * *

"There's a body in the doorway!" Roderich yelled, getting paler by the second. The students looked grim at the swinging rope. The known trio was now a duo, as they fell to the floor at different times. Gilbert sobbed while Antonio was deathly quiet while he cried. Even Arthur was a bit haunted in his eyes. I looked at the impact I had on everyone. Matthew glanced at me, tearing up. Though it didn't seem like it before, Francis was everyone's friend in a way. Having him die is extinguishing hope.

The gym teacher called the principal immediately, then the police. We were escorted home quietly. All of us, silent. I wonder if every night like that one will be cold. I don't feel well, either. Something ticked for the first time. I finally got what I had to do. Francis was a small price to pay for Kiku.


	3. Declining Minds

_The creature leaned to see my face covered in tears. "What's wrong, dear?" Its voice had a sickening and fake tone of compassion._

 _Regardless, I told him, "I-I killed Francis." The creature shushed me and asked me to take deep breaths._

 _"Be strong. Guilt will hold you back. Repeat this. I want you to finish this. Finish it. Make it... exciting." The creature clapped, congratulating me. "I appreciate your work, Alfred. Make the next meeting with me sooner. I want you to make them all suffer." Its voice was calm, dripping with insanity._

* * *

I woke up from a deep sleep. The creature smiled. I guess it's mute when I'm awake. Good. I dress into an outfit and went straight to school, ignoring Matthew's comment about breakfast.

I picked the lock of the school doors a few hours before the sun rose, four in the morning. Matthew says getting me up is hard work, so he wakes me three hours before I'm supposed to.

I enter the school, dust in the air. The lights were dimmer, and I heard no indications of a fully running generator. Oh well. I went through door after door, until I entered the chemistry lab. The voice approved of my idea. On the way, I saw the gym boarded up. At least the cops left.

I raid the area for now. How do I make poison? The obvious question of the day. I flip through the textbooks, looking for lab safety instructions.

'Warning, this experiment contains acid. Please wear your goggles, aprons, and gloves. Wash your hands and call for medical attention if acid lands on you," I read. It didn't need to be fancy, I just took a bottle of acid and stuffed it in my booksack.

I ran back, reasonably away from school. I couldn't go back home right now. Matthew would be suspicious, and I feel like Gilbert and Antonio blame me. It's too much to handle. The voice rose out of my head.

"Trust me, get Gilbert first, okay? Bye-bye, dear." It vanished, without answering my questions. Wasn't it mute? Why does it keep calling me dear, too? That's pretty creepy.

* * *

I see Gilbert slumping along the sidewalk, his booksack being dragged across the concrete. His eyes were empty, half-closed. The light has gone out of them. He's noticeably paler, and his appearance is messy. He stops and rests. Is he thinking?

"Alfred. Come over here," Gilbert waved at me half-heartedly. I ran to him and greeted him. "Here." He handed me an invitation. Most likely to Francis's funeral, which was to take place on the first days of winter. Francis would've wanted it in a happier time of year. I took it and made a saddened look.

The voice told me to go for it. "Gilbert, do you want to talk about this? On the rooftop before school begins?" He nodded, not caring. I don't think he was feeling well either. We slowly walked up the steps to the rooftop, communicating in sorrowful sighs.

We approached the edge, and watched the sun rise. We both read the funeral invitations, Gilbert fighting back tears.

After a few minutes, he stopped and said, "Alfred, push me off this roof."

The command was shocking. I yelled in surprise, "What are you talking about?"

"I don't want to see a world without Francis, but I don't want to feel guilty about my brother and Antonio. So do it before I change my mind," His words were calm, he showed his famous smile, but it was dragged down by depression.

"But–" I tried to protest.

"Do it. Let me fall. Please." Both Gilbert and the voice were begging me to do it. The voice won once more. I walked up to him and shoved him off quickly, without looking at his fall. I didn't want to hear his yell. But I did. I didn't want to hear his forever silence. But I did.

I stared at the body of Gilbert Beilschmidt, a senior. He still held the funeral invitation, almost hugging it. Three stories to fall, I knew he was still breathing for a moment or two. Did he regret it? Am I a murderer if he asked me to do it? I... didn't know. I would later burn the invitation. I don't want to see their bodies again anytime soon. Again, no guilt was found. Just the same emptiness. The voice encouraged me to smile.

* * *

Lunch was silent. Even with Kiku there. I couldn't get rid of the fast heartbeats, nor the happiness felt around him. There was something off with him, like every other student. Antonio sat alone with Matthew, a blank look in their eyes. I didn't want to hurt my brother. He shouldn't have been involved. The voice tried to apologize and tell me that he would be fine. I didn't feel like believing him. Not now. The acid in my booksack feels heavier, as if someone will discover it.

I focus on Antonio, still smiling. He found a way to be happy and help my brother feel better, even if Antonio didn't notice him. Matthew usually adjusts his jacket sleeves and plays with his stuffed polar bear after lunch, so this was a nice change.

"Alfred?" Kiku stopped reading and stared at me seriously.

I was feeling nervous again, "W-What?"

Kilu started speaking, "Don't you feel bad for Gilbert and Francis dying? I'm sure they were good friends to you." He made somewhat of a smile.

"Actually, I've been growing apart from them. I feel sad, maybe I could've done something to stop their suicides," I sighed. Kiku nodded and kept reading. The voice congratulated me again. I felt... good. Strange. It was eating at me until I wasn't my old self. That was only one thing that changed me entirely. The voice, I realized, is the best thing that ever happened to me.

* * *

 **It worries me that I can write a story about America murdering everyone better than my own journal about my daily events.**


	4. Shortenings

_The voice appears once more, taking me to a graveyard. "Alfred, let's make a deal. I see that your sadness will get in the way, causing issues."_

 _"Fine, I'll take it. Whatever." Everything was dull in this world without Kiku. I have already erased two lives from this planet, and I don't want to feel guilt anymore._

 _"Oh, I see we're rushing this through. You won't feel pain anymore. Sadness and guilt, gone, dear," He snapped his fingers, "Just like that. And in return... Ah, I'll just wait until you finish. I'm still deciding." The voice laughed off the silence. "Tomorrow is just another day, remember that?"_

* * *

I woke up to Matthew glaring at me with mistrust. "W-What's a bottle of battery acid doing in your booksack?" He held it up, his hand shaking, but steady, so it would not spill. "A-Alfred, why?"

The voice frowned, "I don't like this one. Make him drink the acid, you can overpower him. Do it, Alfred. Make him suffer for being in your way." It smiled at me twistedly, waiting silently. I slowly walked up to him. The guilt was gone.

"S-Stop Alfred, please don't," Matthew pleaded for his life, frozen. I forcibly grab the bottle. "Alfred! Stop! I-I'm your brother, please!" In that moment, I knew my brother felt betrayed. He couldn't move for his life. I couldn't stop myself. At the time, I could've called myself a puppet of the voice. But I didn't want to blame anyone else.

I untwisted the cap without apologizing. Matthew almost escaped, but I grabbed him in time. I poured the acid down his throat, knowing it was burning and destroying his vocal cords.

Matthew gave a few seconds to face him, falling to the ground, clutching his throat and torso. "Y-You murderer." The last words he croaked out before his vocal cords gave out, leaving him defenselessness. He started vomiting violently, tears streaming down his face. I dragged him into the furnace that heats our home and dumped him in the burning oil. I couldn't tear up.

"Excellent. You got rid of the witness. Now, Alfred. Thing I must tell you. Everyone in the school is shaking in their seats panicking at every movement. That means you should frame someone so everyone starts relaxing again. You already know who?"

I nodded slowly in return. I heard the furnace slowly crackling, knowing he was inside, boiling to death if the acid hasn't got him first.

"Good, good, we agree on something. Dear, how is he going to be framed?" I held up the empty acid bottle with a smile.

"And?" The voice wanted more. I didn't have anymore to show him, so I shook my head. The voice sighed.

I felt the guilt creep back. Can it just stop? I hated this feeling. "Is everyone going to die?" The voice tensed up and comforted me. I hated how he doesn't really care, but I didn't hate him one bit right now.

"No more people you love will die. I promise." I had no choice but to believe him. I had truly nothing else.

* * *

I sat at my desk, staring at what Kiku was reading. Antonio didn't show up for class. Maybe the deaths really have gotten to him. Every student had some look of fear plastered on their faces. Elizaveta's booksack had a bulge of what appeared to be a frying pan. Arthur rocked back in forth in his seat, talking to an unknown being. He muttered the same things over and over again. I saw what I did. The teacher would randomly pause throughout the lesson, staring into space, just wondering. I had to shudder.

* * *

Antonio was unkept as he arrived late to lunch. I excused myself from the table I already to sit with him. I felt pity for Antonio.

"Go ahead, slip the acid bottle in his booksack while nobody's looking," The voice ushered. I shook my head slowly.

"I can't, and I won't," I said, "I don't want him to just be sad somewhere else. It's depressing."

The voice sighed, "Frame him! Have him rot in jail! I don't care!" It was starting to throw a tantrum, like he wasn't getting what he wanted. He screamed inside my head for what seemed like forever, until he calmed down. "Fine," He gave up, "I bet you want him to suffer like the rest. I respect that. Be warned, Antonio is a bit harder to be alone with. His friends are guarding him, thinking he'll die next." Antonio's losing his cheerful self in this. I felt bad, I swear I would relieve Antonio of his pain. One way or another.

I didn't need the voice to tell me what to do at this point. Everything felt unreal after the death of my self consciousness. I do know this: The voice is good.

* * *

 **That's it for now, I guess. I won't say this enough, but thanks for reading this. The new chapter will be out by the end of the weekend. (including Labor Day if I must.) I'd like to know this, though. How did I do with the character deaths? I thought I was pushing it with the acid, but my school has projects with acid, and I know it's corrosive and it's fatal when digested. One of the many facts I should not know.**


	5. False Happiness

_"Die! Die, just die! Everybody should die!" I saw the voice freaking out, not noticing me. It slowly turned around, forming a plan. It finally started laughing cruelly. It sped up towards me, tying me up. "I want the best for you, dear. Antonio was found in the bathroom of his home, he died of overdose. If you want him to be his same cheerful self, one more person. It won't be pretty." The voice paused for a moment. "Just in case..." The voice grew smaller, and forcibly entered my body again._

 _"Everybody has a voice, Alfred. Some never speak, only observe. You should be thankful I'm one of the better ones. This is for your own good!" The voice unplugged itself, deforming rapidly back into a puddle. "I am free." The voice evaporated into thin air. I have no voice to guide me now._

* * *

I wake up screaming, curling into a ball. My closest friends and my brother weren't there to comfort me. I began to question my actions. Is Kiku really worth it? I don't know him that well! The stored up feelings of guilt build up inside me until I spent the whole day away from school crying into my pillow. Is this what emotions feel like? Is this true sadness? Did the voice take away my emotions on purpose?

I couldn't answer the questions for now. A whole afternoon was wasted on this sorrow. A whole afternoon of regret. I couldn't take it.

"Alfred? Open the front door," A voice called from downstairs. I recognized it as Arthur's. He shouldn't be here. Regardless, I open the door for him.

He looked horrified at my appearance. With tears still streaming, I welcomed him in.

Arthur started speaking once we sat down, "Alfred, I'm worried about you. I know I haven't really seen your brother much, but he seems to have disappeared. And with all of the trio dying... Antonio never coming to school anymore, Gilbert jumping off the roof, and Francis hanging himself... I want to worry about you, but I'm really worrying about myself. I'm seeing more strange things." I tear up, actually feeling sorry for once in my life.

"Something keeps calling me. Telling me to break myself, hurt myself, tear myself apart. Alfred, I don't think I can keep going. I'm sorry about never being that nice or helpful like Francis. I'm sorry, but can we make it up together?" He started sniffling, "We can both see them again. We can do it right now, even." Arthur smiled, holding out a kitchen knife. "Let's die together, Alfred."

I felt like dying, I wanted to take that knife and plunge it right in my stomach. I couldn't. I grabbed the knife slowly. Something snapped in me. Maybe it was the impulsiveness of myself, but I took the knife and stabbed Arthur's torso. I finally cracked, I don't know what I would feel after, but I didn't care. I kept stabbing. "In and out," I whispered. Arthur looked up at me, his eyes growing darker, and his skin going paler. I feel his coldness. Arthur wasn't much to me, but at that moment, it caused something. Arthur Kirkland, dying in the early days of spring. His death has became mine.

* * *

I had went to sleep with disturbing images of death. If this was still me being cracked, the worst was over. I still held the knife in my hand, its blade making tiny cuts on my arms. I smiled, pain felt right for what all I have done. I knew someone would be suspicious of me. I knew I would be arrested. I didn't want to go. There was still dried blood on my clothes. That's okay. I didn't care anymore. My goal was clear in my mind. I needed to see Kiku. To hold him, just once.

I rushed to the school. I passed over the student's looks of surprise, some ran away even. I knew Kiku would be in the library. I don't know how. Did the voice come back to stop me, cheer me on, or observe?

Kiku saw me before I saw him. Bloody tears in my eyes, I embraced Kiku. I started crying into his uniform. I knew I was messing it up. "A-Alfred? Why are you bloody? Why are you crying?"

"Kiku, listen to me. I want to stay with you, but I have to go." I forced the knife in his hands. He looked shocked, looking around for anybody to notice this.

"Where do you have to go?"

I tried to point to the sky, but I knew I wouldn't belong there. I whispered, "I want to go home. End me right here, right now." I pleaded with him. I begged, almost.

"Alfred, you know I can't kill you. I won't. I'm calling the police!" He yelled and screamed for somebody. No, it can't end like this. It can't be. Did I make a wrong choice? At least I knew what to do after that. I tried to grab the knife out of his hands, while Kiku was hitting me over and over again. "Alfred, stop! You don't have to do this!"

"Yes, I do!" I finally took hold of the knife and guarded it greedily. Kiku was screaming loudly for me to cease, but I didn't listen. I started carving myself up, getting to the big finish. I watched as blood left me rapidly. I plunged the knife into my chest a few times, threw the knife on the ground. I saw schoolteachers try to stop me, along with a few students. I grabbed hold of Kiku, noticing he was warming me up from the coldness I felt from blood loss. My vision gave out for darkness.

I didn't need emotion for that moment. A flash of light focused on Kiku. All of the times I could've been with him, but didn't. My rage blocked out logic. Isaw Gilbert laughing with Roderich and Elizaveta, pulling Feliciano into the group. I saw Francis arguing with Arthur, like old times. I saw Antonio running across the soccer field, playing with Lovino, who was yelling at him. I saw Francis and Matthew finally stopping the awkward silence between them and mend their brother-like relationship.

And then I saw what Kiku was. Hanging out with Gilbert's younger brother, Ludwig and Feliciano. I felt rage. Kiku barely talked to me, yet they were his best friends. I was dumbfounded of all the good times Kiku had with then, and so very little that were spent with me.

I didn't see one image of me and Kiku.


End file.
